Parking Spot. Inconsiderate People. Merry Christmas.


ParkingNoteOk, so I know it is the Christmas season, and the thoughts are “peace on earth” and “good will toward men”. Yada. Yada. Yada.  I could tell you that I was raised Jewish. I could tell you I have not found my Christmas spirit yet. I won’t make excuses. At this point my only reason is that I am sick and tired of inconsiderate people. And I am tired of people getting away with stuff.

So what’s the problem is what you are probably asking, right? Well let me give you a little background so you can understand what is going on. I live in a condo complex where we are assigned one parking spot. There are signs all over the parking lot that say that parking is allowed in assigned spots, and if you have a problem, you need to call the towing company. I do not park in the lot very often because street parking is MUCH closer to my door, and when I park in the street, I can see my car from my window. When I park in the lot, it is a much longer walk, and it is not visible from my condo.

Over the past year and a half, several people have parked in my spot. I have, in the past, left a note on the windshield politely reminding the owner of the car that they are parked in my spot, and if they continue to park there, I will have them towed. So far I have never had to have anyone towed.

Yesterday morning, I went to take Belle for a walk, and I noticed a black car parked in my spot. I placed a (polite) note on their windshield, and when I got home from work, the car was not in my spot. With the note saying that I will have them towed, I am sure that they will not park there again.

Today I went to take out my garbage, and upon walking through the parking lot, I notice that my upstairs neighbor was parked in my parking spot. I was pissed. Her “house guest” has been parked in her spot all week. The two of them left in his SUV, and she left her car in my spot.

Now here’s what I think happened. I think she got home last night, and all of the street parking was taken so she parked in the parking lot, next to her boyfriend’s car, which just happened to be my spot. Today when they left in his SUV, she obviously did not think to move her car, probably figuring it was safe to park there. I didn’t realize that she had parked in my spot until well after they had left in the SUV.

Being that we were going out, I put my standard note on her windshield, politely reminding her that she was parked in someone’s spot, and that the next time she parked there, I would have her towed. George and I went out this afternoon. When we got home after 8:30 and there were no street parking available, so I went around the block to park in my spot in the lot. My neighbor was STILL in my spot, and they were not home. What would you do? Drive around and around looking for something on one of the neighboring streets? Nope, I called the towing company on the sign and told them the situation. The man told me that he would send someone out right away. A minute after I called, the towing company called me back and told me that someone from the Board of the Condo complex needed to call them with a password to authorize the tow was valid.

Well, I rent. I don’t know anyone on the Board. I called my landlord, who did not answer his phone. George told me to text him. I did that and he responded saying that he didn’t know that a password was needed, but he would call the Board when he got home. He asked for the license plate and the make/model of the car.

There was nothing to do but drive around and look for a parking spot. I was not going to park in someone else’s parking spot for the fear that they would tow me. I certainly don’t need that!

George and I drove around and we finally found street parking. With George using a walker and unable to put any weight on his foot, he was not able to walk the distance from where we parked the car to the house. I had to take Belle (and all the stuff I was carrying) into the house, and go get the wheel chair. Once I got the wheel chair, I had to bring the walker back to the house because I was going to need George’s help to get up the hill and over the “hump” in the sidewalk as you make the turn from the hilly area to the straight away.

About 15 minutes after we got into the house, my neighbor came home. I took Belle for a walk just to see if she moved her car. Her house guest had parked in her spot, and she was STILL parked in mine. I was livid. George wanted me to go upstairs and talk to her. I didn’t want to do that. I am done. I already started the ball rolling with the towing process. My landlord was going to contact the Board. I was not going to call him back and tell him that I didn’t need to him to call. Why do I need to go out of my way to talk to her. She was told the rules when she moved here. She was told her assigned parking spot. She was also told that there is no street parking when it snows. If you have two vehicles, you definitely have a problem. If you park on the street during a snow storm, you get ticketed. That ticket is $54, and you also risk the chance of being towed although long time residents around here say they know of no one who got towed.

I have never parked in anyone’s spot. I wouldn’t do that because I am not inconsiderate. Instead, like tonight, I drove around until I found somewhere to park. If I can be inconvenienced by parking FAR away from my home, so can other people. Don’t be an inconsiderate ass and take someone else’s spot. I may not park in my spot very often, but I pay to live here, and my rent includes my parking spot. When I want to park in the lot, I expect that my parking spot will be available. Today it was not. And today I was pissed off beyond belief. I am tired of letting people get away with stuff. I follow the rules. And the rules say you park in your spot, and not someone else’s. The rules say you will get towed at your own expense if you park in someone else’s spot.

I hope my landlord follows through and contacts the Board, and the Board calls the tow company with the password BEFORE she moves her car and does not learn her lesson. Nothing says Merry Christmas like getting your car towed and having to pay money to get it back.

A Collection of Greg Behrendt Quotes


Gregory Behrendt is an American stand-up comedian and author. His work as a script consultant to the HBO sitcom Sex and the City, starring Sarah Jessica Parker, paved the way for co-authoring of the New York Times bestseller He’s Just Not That into You (2004), later adapted into a film by the same name. Apart from that he also hosted two short-lived talk shows, The Greg Behrendt Show (2006) and Greg Behrendt’s Wake Up Call (2009).

Having said that, I love this guy and his take on life. So I’ve gathered a collection of quotes from his work that pertain to my life!

“Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you”

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fucking phone call.”

“I’m about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.”

“It’s very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less — even a vague pathetic facsimile of less — than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don’t settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.”

“If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.”

“Alone also means available for someone outstanding.”

“Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.”

“But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored.”

“Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing’s wrong, but every breath hurts.”

“If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you – including a fear of intimacy.”

“A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it.”

“If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.”

“Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted.”

“Better than nothing is not good enough for you!”

“Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I’ve gotten older. But now I don’t want to be ‘sort of dating’ someone. I don’t want to be ‘kinda hanging out’ with someone. I don’t want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved.”

“There’s a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.”

and my absolute personal favorite…..

“A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves”

 

 

Serial Dater vs. Serial Monogamist


About a month ago I was talking with a good friend of mine, and I told him that I didn’t want to spend my summer alone, sitting in front of the television. I also told him that I didn’t want to be a third or fifth wheel by always going out with my married friends. He suggested that I try my hand at Serial Dating my way through the summer. I’d never heard of the term, so I asked him to explain it to me, and he said it’s the practice of dating several people in a row for short periods of time. He said it keeps things fresh and the social calendar filled with things to do. He also told me that as a woman, I would get a night out with a man who paid for me.

“Isn’t that another term for a player?”, I asked.

He said that I wouldn’t be playing anyone, but instead when the dates started to get too comfy and close, I would politely “excuse myself” and move on to the next person. I suppose that this could be fun under the right circumstances, and if both parties knew that it would never be anything serious. Otherwise it is just cruel and hurtful to the other person.

I wouldn’t want to start to date someone only to have him dump me after a few dates because he is enjoying Serial Dating, and I didn’t know it.

I’m more of  a Serial Monogamist.

What is Serial Monogamy, you ask? 
Serial Monogamy is the practice of having a number of
long-term romantic partners in succession.

I’ve never been one for dating. I never liked the whole dating scene. I always found first dates to be awkward and nerve-wracking for me. I’m not sure why I’d keep subjecting myself to that sort of thing over and over again. For the free food? Or a night out? Hmm, doesn’t seem worth it to me.

If I were a different kind of person, perhaps I could handle Serial Dating, but I’m really thinking it is not for me. I prefer the comfort of a relationship that is built over time. One that is built on trust, understanding, mutual interests, and a quiet comfort that only comes with time spent together.

When I told my friend that I was going out on a date with J., he told me to “get out” between the third and fifth date. I had no idea why that was. He said because, unless I was planning on having sex with him, that was the time when I was expected to give it up. Yikes, dating sure has changed since I was in the pool!

So according to my friend and his Serial Dating theories, I would find men to date, then I would go out with them about 2 or 3 times before I dumped them in favor of someone else. There would be no commitments, no relationship, no sex, and no real depth. How does this sound like fun to me?

I like the comfort of long-term dating. I like to get to know a person by spending time with him. How is spending time with people who I don’t know (and never will) supposed to be fun for me?

I like the idea of a commitment. I’m not talking marriage, but a commitment to know that I am seeing only one person and vice-versa. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was seeing other people on the side.

I like sharing mutual interests with someone, and also having a person share my interests as I would share his.

As for sex, well, I’ve already covered that topic in another blog post. I don’t want sexual intercourse until both parties can say “I love you” and mean it. Until that time happens, that is the one thing that will remain off the table.

As I head out into the dating world, I realize that Serial Dating is not for me. It represents everything that I don’t want and none of the things that I do.

So what does that mean for me? I suppose that it means that I will enter the dating pool, try to weed out the undesirables, and then when a decent guy asks me out, I go out with him, and I see where it takes me (us).

If I find a connection with someone, then I will do what I’ve always done, I will nurture it, embrace it, and cherish it!

 

 

 

 

Dating, Sex, Respect, and Emotions! Oh My!


So I’ve entered the dating pool. Things have really changed since I last dated in 1999! Sure, the online dating sites still exist, only now there are more sites out there from which to choose, and many, many more people using them. The online dating premise is still the same. You choose which site you want to be on, you create a profile and you upload some recent pictures of yourself. Then you can wait.

In practically no time at all, you will have a lot of visitors who are coming to check out the “fresh meat” who just posted a profile. If you are lucky, some of those visitors will send you a message. All you can do is hope that they are not leaving messages that will make you blush. And you hope that their profile pictures are not X-rated.

I’ve had my share of messages, and some never warranted a response because I’m not looking for what they are “serving”. Some messages piqued my curiosity enough for me to respond back with a message of my own.  My own personal goal is to find someone who seems interesting, meets my own personal criteria for what I am looking for, and who lives within a reasonable distance. My hope is that he isn’t some sort of nut job (aka psychopath who is going to abduct me and leave my dead body in a ditch).

So far, I’ve got to admit, I haven’t really met too many men who have actually interested me enough to go on a date with them. I did go on two “dates” with one man, and luckily I did survive both of those dates, and I didn’t end up a pathetic statistic on the list of unsolved murders!

The first date took quite a while to come to fruition. We probably texted, chatted online, and occasionally talked on the phone for a good 4-5 weeks before we actually met. It wasn’t that either of us wanted to wait, but we had some “misunderstandings” early on. I think the problem was that texting and chatting will often misconstrue the conversations between even the best of communicators. Both texting and chatting rely on mere words for communication, and while that is often enough, sometimes in sensitive or deep conversations, talking is a better idea to avoid losing inflection, tone, and emotion.

J. and I finally scheduled our first date. He’d offered to help me pack crap up to get me ready for my move into my new home. I normally wouldn’t invite a man who I didn’t know to my home, sight unseen with no references and without telling someone where I was or what I was doing. My bad! But my “spidey sense” told me that he was a decent enough guy who was not going to hurt me physically. Fortunately I was right – at least about not getting physically hurt.

He came over early on a Saturday afternoon (May 4th), and we worked on the basement, repacking stuff and organizing it. It was a pretty good ice breaker; certainly better than meeting in a stuffy restaurant. After a couple of hours of organizing, it was time to have some fun. I suggested that we take Lil Red out for a drive and then take a walk along the Keyport Waterfront. It’s always been one of my favorite places to go alone. I love to people watch. I love to lean along the railing and watch the people launch their boats. It’s also nice to walk along Front Street by the small shops and restaurants.

After some time down at the Waterfront, we decided to get a bite to eat. I took a detour, and we went for a ride through Union Beach, looking at the damage that Hurricane Sandy inflicted on the local homes and businesses. It gave us a chance to talk and get to know each other, which I thought was a good idea.

We finally agreed on a healthy late lunch, which turned out to be salads at a local diner. It was a nice quiet afternoon in the diner, and we seemed to hit it off pretty well. We decided to get a six-pack of beer and head back to my house to watch the baseball game. We also stopped at the supermarket for some ice cream!

While watching television, things escalated rather quickly to a physical level, and we wound up heading upstairs to my bedroom. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I don’t sleep around. I am proud of that fact, as well as the fact that I can provide FULL names for the men that I have been intimate with in my life.  And I am even prouder of the fact that I loved and was in love with each of them. Granted, those relationships may not have ended as I would have liked, but I certainly loved those men.

J. and I went much further on our “first date” than I normally would have done. I liked him, and anything I did was well within my comfort zone. Or at least I thought that it was. We spent the evening and into the early night together, and I can honestly say that I was sorry to see him leave because I enjoyed our day together. When he left, I was fine. Not a problem at all.

I had pre-established plans on Sunday with a friend who was taking me to a glass blowing class, and we then went to lunch to catch up on life! It was a nice afternoon, but I certainly made time to text J. to let him know I was thinking about him.

By Monday morning, I was feeling a little off. What does “off” mean? Hmm, how do I explain it to someone who is not in my head? It’s a strange feeling where all my insecurities start to feed and fester, and I begin to wonder. In this case, I wondered why he hadn’t called, or why we were not texting/chatting during out mutual down time, and I wondered if he thought less of me because of our sexual encounter.

Luckily before a simple “off” feeling turned into something more, I asked J. if we were okay, and he reassured me that we were fine. He was kind and sweet about me asking. No problem. A simple kind word and a little bit of reassurance will, in most cases,  put most of my fears to rest.

That night, we were chatting online, and once again, the issue of not being able to properly express one’s thoughts through words and having no verbal inflection, caused a riff between the two of us. I inadvertently made a comment about “stranger sex”. This is the term that my friends and I used when we referred to someone having sexual relations with a person who they had  just met and didn’t know well. It’s the kind of sexual relation that is often very intense and hot, but it lacks emotional ties because you simply do not know the person you are with as well as you could. I’ve never done it. That is….until my first date with J. It is not a derogatory term, but if you do not know what it is, I suppose it could be taken as a negative thing.

J. got upset (he said he was not upset… so maybe irritated or some other word would be better here) with my “stranger sex” term. I never meant for it to be derogatory or hurtful. I tried to explain it (in a chat message), but he didn’t understand, and I couldn’t explain it without speaking words with inflection and emotion. I didn’t get the chance because my words bothered him and our conversation abruptly ended.

That next day I tried to explain again (again via chat because that was our mode of communication at the time), but he was not having it, and his method of speaking to me was sarcastic and sharp, and a little bit on the hurtful side. I tried to apologize, but that was not working for me, so I decided to back off the chatting before things escalated into something worse that could get ugly. Over the next few days, we managed to get back to communicating, but honestly I don’t think we ever quite got back to “pre-first date” mode.

We agreed to see each other on Mother’s Day. We didn’t talk on the phone at all that week, except for short conversations which revolved around sex. The one night I suggested that we talk on the phone, he didn’t want to talk. I accepted it because I do honestly try to be accommodating and understanding. We never really discussed a time that we were going to get together on Sunday, so when Sunday morning rolled around, and I hadn’t heard from him, my own sarcasm (which is almost always due to my own hurt feelings) came out, so I texted him:

Me: “I’m guessing you have a reason?”

Him: A reason for?

Me: Not calling and changing your mind?

Him: No, 12:30. I’ll be there.

Me: Ah ok.

Him: If there’s an issue, I’ll skip it.

Me: No, not an issue. I’d love to see you.

Him: Ok.

Looking at it now, I realize that this conversation is dysfunctional on so many levels. First of all, my hurt reduced me to sarcasm. I hate that about myself, but it’s not always something I can control. I should have just texted him something friendlier, but well, hurt feelings are a dangerous thing. If he didn’t want to see me, I didn’t want to open myself up to being vulnerable and getting hurt.

On the next level, he was just going to show up at my house at 12:30 without making definitely plans or setting a time? I would not do that until MUCH further along in the relationship. I’d want to make the plans and actually have something set in stone. After all, I wouldn’t want to show up and find out that the person was not home or didn’t want to see me. Maybe that is just me, and this is how dating goes in the 21st Century? I just don’t know.

Then on another level, when I responded with “Oh ok”, his reply was, “If there’s an issue, I’ll skip it.” Again, it’s that sarcasm thing that we both seem to be so good at.

The last thing was when I said, “I’d love to see you.”, and his response was “ok”. Just not the answer I would have expected.

Anyway, he came over, and it was only moments later that we ended up in bed. I didn’t have a problem with it. I completely and totally enjoyed myself (and I would like to believe that he did as well). After an afternoon of passion, we simply watched some classic 80’s movie in bed, relaxed and made some simple chit-chat.

Again when he left, I was fine. By late that night (think along the lines of midnight), it started to dawn on me what I had actually done, and how we didn’t meet online that night to chat or talk on the phone. We also hadn’t texted more than 2-3 times since he’d left.

It dawned on me that I’d had sex with a man who I was not in love with, breaking my own personal code. I was always so proud of the fact that I didn’t just have casual sex, and I could count on ONE DAMN HAND how many men I’d actually had sex with in my life. Now the number of sex partners was at SIX (and I needed a second hand to count) and I wasn’t even sure how this man felt about me. At one point, I thought I knew. I thought he cared and I thought he liked me. I thought he wanted to pursue a relationship. I thought we wanted to move along slowly and see if there was chemistry and compatibility. I thought we were on the same page. But after our first date, our “stranger sex” conversation, and a week of sarcasm and strained conversations, I wasn’t sure.

Here’s my caveat. I make no excuses for how I behave. If I act inappropriately, I apologize and I can only hope that someone will forgive me, or at least give me the benefit of the doubt and try to understand. I rarely ever do anything out of malice. I don’t intentionally hurt people. I don’t start fights that are frivolous or unwarranted. In fact, I often wear my heart on my sleeve. I often put my feelings out there early on because honesty and truth are important to me, even if that means allowing myself to be extremely vulnerable and open to hurt. Not always the best way to be, but it’s who I am.

So here’s what happened. The next morning, my own insecurities surfaced. I felt vulnerable and unsure about what I had done. I didn’t know how or what J. was feeling. I had texted him in the morning with a sweet message  saying, “Good morning J.! I have the nicest and naughtiest thoughts of you this morning”, but instead of getting a text back within a few minutes (as he’d always done previously), he texted me nearly 4 hours later with a simple, “Hi. How are you?”

Those four hours didn’t help my fragile heart and wavering self-esteem. I tried to communicate with him via chat, but his comments were short and curt. I felt as thought he was being cold to me, and when I finally just came out and said that, he basically told me that he was too busy to talk to me. I felt hurt and slighted. He very well may have been busy, and I can certainly respect that. However, I told him early in the relationship that I am sensitive, sometimes overly emotional, and sometimes insecure. He told me that he could deal with that, and he looked forward to being there when I was vulnerable.

So here I gave him my body, the only thing I had to give him at the time, and when I needed some simple reassurance that things were okay, I was told he didn’t have time for me. I was hurt. I felt used. And I felt disrespected. I may not have handled my insecurities the right way, but he certainly didn’t handle things correctly either.

When he told me that he had no time for me, my response was “Fine.”, and I disconnected myself from the chat program. I didn’t hear from him at any point that day. The next morning, I sent him a chat message, but he never responded.

This is one of those times where you just never get answers or know why it happened. All I know is I was hurt. I felt used and I felt disrespected. I’d never felt used in that manner because I’d never before had sex so early on in a relationship. Now I know why I’d always had my own personal code. I had it because it WORKED FOR ME! It worked for 50 years!

The whole situation with J. messed with my already fragile emotions. I didn’t care for how I was feeling. I believe that if J. had truly cared about my feelings and me as a person, things would have been different for us. So I have no other choice but to believe that he didn’t care in the way I thought. Or maybe he just had no respect for me after I’d had sex with him.

I haven’t been on the dating sites for a couple of weeks now, but in the past couple of days, I have started checking out profiles again. I will admit, I REALLY liked J. and I do miss him more than I thought that I would. However, I certainly won’t go chasing someone. After all, as Bonnie Raitt said in her 1991 mega hit, “I can’t make you love me if you don’t. You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.

Personally I don’t think he likes me or respects me. I guess this is a case of “Live and learn!” It’s funny… at one point I wanted to give him my blog address for the simple reason that I thought he might like to read some of what I have written (considering he is a writer himself!). Imagine had I given him this blog address? He’d be reading what I wrote, and how mortifying would THAT be? I guess a good rule of thumb is keeping this blog out of the hands of anyone that I date!!

So now I am gonna try moving on. I do have a man on one of the dating sites who is interested in me. He is fine with texting for now, and he suggested that we talk on the phone after the weekend. I’m fine with that. I’m even fine with meeting him if he seems like a good guy. But no sex until both of us can say “I love you” – and mean it. This has worked for me for many years, and “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it!”

An Honest Assessment of my Long-Term Relationships


The events of the last couple of days has made me do an assessment of the serious relationships that I’ve had in my life, and I am seeing a bit of a pattern, and it is definitely not a good one. I have to be honest, I am not caring for what I see. I was going to post this on my “other blog”, but I didn’t really feel that it belonged there.  This post falls into the category of “random babbling” so it’s better suited here.

Let’s do a basic recap to get some perspective.

B.S. (The Abuser) – A charming man with a fast car, lots of money, and a love of fun and excitement. I dated him starting in my late teens, and I believe he was my first real love. We had an embattled relationship for nearly three years. We loved and we hated. We fought and we made up. We broke up and we got back together. He screamed and I cried. He threatened and I feared. I pushed and he roared.

One night during a huge fight, he pulled a knife on me, and that was the end of our relationship. I walked away and could never go back. I didn’t press charges against him, even though my friends and family begged me to do just that. He pleaded with me to take him back, but the line was crossed. There was no “do over”.

He then began to show up at different places that I was at. He seemed to be everywhere, and he would beg me to take him back every time I saw him. After several rebuffs, he resorted to threatening me, and I finally had to get a restraining order. He violated the Restraining Order, and finally his older brother interceded and put an end to the shenanigans. It was an ugly ass ending to a relationship.

M.S. (The User) – He came into my life at a vulnerable time. Anyone who has started a relationship when in a vulnerable state can relate to this. He was kind and caring when I needed it. He listened and he spent time with me. We did a lot of fun stuff together, and because he was worldly, he exposed me to things that I never thought I’d experience. Unfortunately, he had his own agenda, and he used his charm to get his way. I was scared, alone, and fearful, so I just fell into his game, and I wound up getting used. He borrowed money from me that he never paid back, and I had to take him to court to sue him for it. He was manipulative in many ways, and I played right into it. He didn’t have a car, so I would always drive him places. His manipulation and charm guilted me into feeling like I owed him something, and I lost me in my attempt to please him. I don’t know when I actually realized that I had enough. It was probably around the two year mark that I walked away, and I never looked back.

R.J.C. (The Cheater) – He was the brother of one of my closest friends, and we started our relationship backwards. We were in bed before we really knew who we were and what we were to each other. Blame it on being young. I was about 21 and he was 18.

Hindsight being 20/20, I should have run from this relationship before it ever got started, but I didn’t; much to my own detriment. We got deeply involved, and we fell in love. We eventually got married (mainly due to the pressure from his family), and it was a marriage that was NOT made in heaven. He was a good guy with a wonderful sense of humor, but he couldn’t hold down a job, and I spent most of the early years supporting him and paying for all the things that we would do together. In our later years, he did help support our household, but he never really found his niche, and he hated every job he had.

We had a lot of fun over the years, but that was because we were carefree and didn’t give a damn about the future. We went on vacations, we saw our friends/family often, and we had an awesome social life. When this relationship was good, I can honestly say it was the most fun I ever had in my life.

Sadly though, the marriage hit a speed bump, and we ended up in marriage counseling. That only helped for a while. It was more like a band-aid being put on a gaping wound; a temporary fix to a very serious problem.

A few years later our differences erupted again. We would fight and bicker in public, and we would snap at each other with nasty and negative comments. Eventually the love faded, and we grew apart. I don’t know exactly what happened or why it happened. I probably never will. All I know is that when I filed for divorce, he was apathetic and he was seeing someone else.

When we finally divorced, there was a deep animosity for each other. When we saw each other for the very last time while in the attorney’s office to sell our joint home, we outwardly tried to be cordial and polite, but on the inside I knew that both of us were spitting fire! At the time I was too angry to see it for what it was, but now, many years later, I no longer blame him for the demise of our relationship. I realize that it takes two people to tango, and I was equally to blame.

S.B. (The Liar) – This was the man who I thought was the true love of my life. It was an odd relationship. It was long-distance as I lived in New Jersey and he lived in California. How did we meet? Well, you can thank the internet and chat rooms for that. We carried on a long-distance relationship for nearly 2.5 years. It was surprisingly good for most of it, even in spite of the distance. We talked on the telephone, we used our pagers to communicate short sentences, we wrote endless emails, and we chatted online nearly every day. It’s amazing that two people could become and stay so close in spite of a 3,000 mile distance separating them.  It wasn’t until I’d fallen for him that I learned that he was married with two children. He’d somehow managed to lie to me and keep that from me.  He told me that he was unhappily married, and that he wanted to leave her and be with me. By the time I learned that he had a family, I was in too deep to walk away.

Can anyone see where this is headed? We made plans to meet to see if the feelings that we’d developed were real. I flew out to California, and we spent just short of five days together. When I tell you that it was perfect, I mean it was PERFECT. The chemistry was there, the love was real, and it seemed to both of us that we might be able to make it work – even though I was outwardly honest about my feelings of being a “home wrecker” and “the other woman”. He assured me that he had not loved her in a long time, and that he would leave her.

A few months later he flew out here, and we spent another five days together. I was amazed that things were going so well, and we started making plans to mold our lives together. He wanted to stay in California to be close to his kids, and the obvious answer was for me to move there to be with him. For some reason, I was fine with this, and I didn’t see it for what it was. Can you say “Rose colored glasses”?

Somehow though he never seemed to be able to tell his wife that he wanted a divorce, and just when I thought that it was time to shit or get off the pot, she found out!! He’d accidentally left a chat window open, and she read what we’d written to each other.

Needless to say, the shit hit the proverbial fan. He notified me via pager on a Friday night that his wife knew about us. I waited three full days until Tuesday morning (because Monday was a holiday) to contact him at his office. Those were the longest three days of my life. When I got him on the phone on Tuesday morning, he told me that he was going to work it out with his wife and he told me to never call or contact him again. I was devastated beyond belief. I have no words for the deep and excruciating pain that I felt. I went into my friend’s office and I literally cried to her for hours.  I was a total wreck. I felt like someone had reached into my chest and ripped my heart out.

That night I made my friend come over to my house while I packed up everything that tied him to me. I packed the greeting cards, the gifts, the letters, and everything that reminded me of him. I put it all in a box, and the next day, I put it on a shelf in the warehouse of our job. I cried for days. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I just couldn’t believe that he could do this to me. More so I couldn’t believe that I had actually put myself into this situation because I always swore I would never date a married man.

As time went by, the pain was still there, but I was functioning again. I learned to deal with what I was feeling, and eventually life went back to normal. Just when it did, he called me saying that he wanted me back and he was leaving his wife. I was skeptical, but I fell for him again – hook, line and sinker. Stupid me! I should have hung up on his sorry ass, but I didn’t. And I had to do the pain of his break up a second time after he decided that he was staying with his wife.

M.C. (The last one who left) – Eventually my heart healed enough to begin to put myself out there again. I met a nice guy who was a teacher. He seemed perfect. I admit I was skeptical and I know that he knew it. I never completely shared my “love stories” with him, but I think he knew that I’d been burned on numerous occasions. We fell in love. We got married. Life for good for us for about 7-8 years, and then the tough times hit. We were forced to deal with issues in his family that required us to step up to the plate to help them. He developed severe health problems that were partially due to his own neglect and apathy over the years.

The combination of this took the fun and spontaneity out of our marriage. Financial issues developed. Fighting started. Truths were uncovered. Chronic illness reared its ugly head. I became disheartened. I did what I believed was right, and I stayed with him, caring for him, managing his doctor appointments, and taking care of the many things that needed to be done to keep our life functioning.

I put my own dreams, hopes, and desires on the back burner. Several of my closest friends questioned my reasons. My reasons were simple. I loved him, and my marriage vows included “for better or for worse”, “in sickness and in health”, and “until death us do part”.

I don’t consider myself crazy. I consider myself dedicated. I loved him. He was ultimately my best friend.  In spite of our obstacles, I still adored him. He made me feel safe. He cared for me and he protected me. He was my husband. We lived in a “World of Two”.

Then he died. Suddenly. Talk about shock and horror and terror. But that’s a whole other story.

In many ways, our marriage died when he was diagnosed with his chronic illness.  He tried to stay upbeat, but he always knew that he would die young. He tried to prepare me for it. He tried to give me advice.  I didn’t listen to him because I didn’t want to think about it. But I did hear him. One of the many things he told me was that he wanted me to find someone with whom I could settle into a comfortable life. He wanted me to find love again, and on more than one occasion, he made me promise that I would.

Well, let’s jump to the present….

My neighbor, M. P. who I have known for about a year and a half asked me out to dinner. We would pass each other just about every day as we’d walk our dogs. A few times he would walk along with me and we’d just shoot the breeze. We didn’t talk about anything much, mostly about the dogs and the neighbors and the weather. Around Thanksgiving he told me that he and his wife had split up, and I’d told him about Mark’s passing around February or so.

On Saturday afternoon, he and his dog stopped and waited for me and Belle to catch up to him so he could walk with us. We just talked a bit about the normal every day things. Then he asked me if I wanted to have a dinner with him during the week. I didn’t know what to say and I knew he could tell I was flustered.  He then repeated it saying that we could have a casual dinner date to see where things go. He told me to think about it, gave me his number, and we continued on our walk.

So yesterday I get home from work, and as I normally do, I took Belle out for her evening walk. As I get close to my house, I see my neighbor walking towards us from the opposite direction. He catches up to us, and he starts his normal conversation. He asked me if I was just getting home from work, and I simply told him that I was. He made a comment about betting that I didn’t want to cook and wouldn’t pizza seem like a great idea.

I was not planning on cooking, but instead I was going to have the last of the Vegetarian Chili that I had in the freezer that a friend of mine cooked for me. But after a few more minutes of M. P. telling me all the benefits of going out for dinner, I agreed to go with him to a local pizza place. He offered to drive. I told him that I need 20 minutes to get changed and cleaned up, and I’d meet him at his house. When I came out, he was parked in front of my house in his BIG ASS SUV. I swear I almost needed a step stool to get into it!! We went to get pizza, and he tried to sit next to me in the booth. I was not comfortable with that, so I used the excuse that I am left handed, and one of us would wind up wearing our food if he sat there.  So he sat across from me – reluctantly, I do believe. I don’t mind sitting next to a date, because it’s really sweet and cute, but not a “first date”.

We shared a vegetarian pizza. We had a nice time. We talked about work and careers. We talked about where we grew up. We talked about our love of dogs. We talked about a lot of things, but nothing deep or intense. I did make it clear that I was not looking for a serious relationship because I felt I was not in a good place for that yet. I thought he understood.

I got home a little bit before 9 PM, and as I was climbing out of his truck, he did ask me if I wanted to go out for dinner again over the weekend, but I simply (and politely) explained that I needed to pack and get ready to move. Although he looked disappointed, I felt that he understood.

This morning I walked Belle about 30 minutes earlier than I normally would, but as I passed M. P.’s house, he stepped out with his dog. I was not particularly happy about it. I wanted to go for a long brisk walk with my iPod blasting in my ears, and I wanted to just clear my head of the cobwebs. Now I had to make idle conversation which I knew would just make me irritated.  I really love my morning walks and often take the side streets to avoid the normal dog walkers.

So we walked and talked. I kept one ear bud in my ear, so I could listen to my music. I don’t think he even noticed since my hair is so long, but even still it would have been considered rude to do that. As we approached my house, after a shortened walk, he asked me if I wanted to go out again tonight. I had to reiterate that I was packing and getting ready to move. He again asked about the weekend, and I simply said, “We’ll see.”  I pretended to walk into my house, and when he was out of sight, Belle and I went back out for our long and therapeutic walk around the neighborhood.

To make a long story short, he’s proving to be a stalker of sorts. He texted me seven times before lunch. I finally had to text him back to tell him that I can’t be texting on my cell phone all day because it’s forbidden to do so at the office. About 12:30 PM, I got another text from him asking me when I go to lunch. I ignored him. Then a little after 1:00 PM, he texted me again, and he wanted to know if I wanted to talk at lunch time.

Ugh!! Stalker! Like I need that? I don’t think so! My friend googled him, and we think he lied about his age. He told me that he was 52, but based on his profile on our condo website and the information that various websites provided, he is really 39 years old. I joked with the girls at work that if I don’t show up for work in the morning, we all know what happened to me.

I half expected him to be waiting for me when I walked Belle this evening. But I managed to take a 20 minute walk without ever running into him. He hasn’t called and he hasn’t texted me. I’m fine with that. I have already done the “stalker” and I have no desire to do that ever again.

Geez, aren’t there any normal guys out there? It always seems like the ones you don’t want are the ones that chase you, but the one you do want is the one who plays hard to get and pulls away. Go figure!

Goodbye and good riddance 2012…


keep_calm_goodbye2012Well, another year is coming to a close. 2012 is almost over – we are in the home stretch. It seems like we were just starting the year with hope for a good one. It hasn’t been a terrible one, but as we all know, there is always room for improvement.

If I had to rate it on a scale of 1 – 10 (with 10 being an absolutely awesome year), I would give it a 6. The reasons are not important, but let’s just say there is a lot of struggling going on. A lot of people around me have struggled greatly. I just had my usual ups and downs. I do consider myself lucky and blessed because some people have had a REALLY HORRIBLE year. I was not one of them. Thankfully.

I’ve been relatively unmotivated this year. I realized it’s been many, many months since I last wrote a blog entry. I don’t think it was because I had nothing to say because I always have stuff I want to say. I don’t know why I’ve been so absent, so don’t ask. On a personal level, I’ve neglected a lot of things.  Again, I don’t know why. It’s just how I roll. I’ve got to do better. Will I? That remains to be seen.

I’m hopeful for 2013. If nothing else, it does seem like a year for change and “shake ups”. By that I mean change on many levels, not just a personal one. As I approach the age of 50, I am positive that I must change things up because what worked 10-15 years ago will not work now. As for the shake up, I think I need one in order to move forward to a better, more evolved place. If that sounds cryptic, it is supposed to be that way. Do you think I am going to put my whole life out there for the world to see?

As if I would ever do that! I do have some self-respect, ya know? And besides, if you really wanted to know, shouldn’t you have called me this year to see what was going on? Some people called. Most didn’t. Oh well, whatever. As we get older, we find out who our true friends really are. Most times it is NOT who we thought they were.

No formal resolutions will be made for 2013. Actually I am not making any at all. I would just break them, and that would be setting myself up for failure. Instead, I just have thoughts about what I would like to accomplish in the new year.

On that note, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Friends and Frenemies….we all have them!


I’ve been thinking about the people who have come and gone from my life. Some were friends. Some became frenemies.

I have a handful of good really friends…and a couple of those are the “I can call you at 4 am” type of friend. Those are the ones I cherish the most. Those types of friends are so rare! ! My mom told me that I should strive to have one or two of those “4 am” friends because that’s all I really need.

(Hey 4 am friend….I know your are reading this….so I just want to get confirmation that it is okay to call you in the middle of the night on those occasions when I am coming apart at the seams!  ! )

But having other kinds of friends is good too. Not every one has to be a close friend. I have friends from high school, the old neighborhood, co-workers (past and present), and Facebook friends. All have a special place in my life, but very few really know me or would want to!

Then there are the frenemies. They aren’t friends by any means, but they aren’t enemies in the true sense of the word.  These are the people who you don’t want in your life for a variety of reasons. They’ve hurt you in some way such as cheating, lying, or backstabbing. They are the people who have used you to get ahead or to get what they want.

No one wants them or needs them, but we all know them and have them in our life. You have to watch out for these people because they will still suck the life out of you when you are not looking.

I’ve got this frenemy. She’s sweet and kind to your face. She pretends that she is all roses and fairy dust. As soon as you turn your back, she becomes all out ugly! !  She loves to gossip about people. I know that if she is gossiping about someone behind their back, she is gossiping about me  behind mine. That’s just how it goes!

This girl is a piece of work. She plays the game well. When you first meet her, you think she’s just the perfect friend. As time goes on, you begin to see the ugliness that is inside her. She’s a hypocrite too.  She just walks around preaching about being a God fearing person, but no one who fears God would ever do or say the things that she does!

So you eliminate these people from your life. You banish them to the world of past friends. Well, a word to the wise it’s always better to keep one eye on a frenemy because you’re best bet is to know what’s going on in the background. Afterall, you surely wouldn’t want to get blindsided by someone like that!

While we are on the subject, do you have “one of those friends” that you keep around just for the entertainment value. I have a Facebook friend like that. I’m not even sure how we became friends. I think she became my neighbor back when I was playing Farmville.

She’s a bit of an odd ball. She is paranoid about computer hackers. Sure, it’s a valid concern, but not to the extreme that she fears it. She updates her status probably 25 times a day. No matter when I log on to Facebook, there is a post written by her on my wall! Her updates includes everything. She tells what she ate, what she cooked, stories about her husband’s job, and all her health issues. Most annoying is the constant posts about her Facebook games. She shares no personal information (probably because she thinks I am a hacker).

So why is she still my “friend”, you ask? Oh the sheer amusement of the comments is worth the bit of annoyance! I know that sounds mean, but I don’t make nasty comments, I just read them!

So anyway, I cherish those people close to me, and I stalk my frenemies just to be sure they are on the path running opposite mine! LOL!

Ok time for bed…. I’m getting weird now! ! !

Note: This is being written on my Droid Bionic. Please excuse typos and grammatical errors. Swype had a mind of its own, and its true calling is to make me look like I am illiterate!